A little deeper into the Bear

I mainly use this blog to focus on my life in wow. My guild, my friends, and my toons. I try to bring you information about Druid's as I find out about it because that is what I play...most of the time. Occasionally I touch on other aspects of my life and recently I delved a little into my personal beliefs.

I want to do that again...but a little deeper this time.

As I said before, I'm a Christian. There's a song that describes how I feel in my Christianity; "deep water faith in the shallow end". When I was younger I had a heart for Christ. I stayed in church, practically lived there in high school. I poured myself into activities: missions both home and away, teaching, learning, singing (even playing guitar in our praise band), VBS...well you get the idea. I never really had much of a deeper relationship at home. I prayed, but never like I should and I studied rarely on my own. I deeply regret those things now as I feel that's, in part, why I feel the way I do now.

I have been struggling with my faith, or lack thereof, off and on for a long time now. Going on three years I suppose...actually probably longer than that. I stayed mad at God for a long time. I never denied Him, but I didn't want to go out of my way to be that that I claimed to be. I didn't go to church and I never studied or prayed on my own. I even stopped reading Christian books and listening to Christian music. I faded further and further from who I am. I even tried to be someone else for a while. I never tried alcohol, drugs, or other addictions to fill the gap that I was blocking out of my life...but I might as well have. I slipped further and further from the God I call Daddy...the one Father that I have never been without. I drifted into a dark hole and while I've never been tested or treated for it, I know I have some form of depression. To what extent it would be "diagnosed" I dunno.

Please understand I'm not proud of what I've done or who I've become. I'm extremly blessed that I'm still alive and that I'm married to a wonderful, Godly man who loves me more than I deserve. I have a wonderful house, a good job, and beautiful babies (two dogs, a rabbit, and a fish). I have a good life. I write to get this off my chest and hopefully out of my head.

I won't go into detail (save that for another post :-P) but there are so many things I've been wrestling with lately. My past, my job, my morals, my goals, my dreams, my thought process, my priorities. Basically if you can think it I have been and it's definitely a little overload on my brain. I have a lot to work through.

I have a dream of one day becoming a woman worthy of calling herself a child of God...I dream of becoming this woman...

A Wife of Noble Character

¹⁰ ^b]">[b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm^c]">[c] clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Perfect isn't she? I have a lot to work on and a long way to go...but maybe one of these days I'll be like that.

Pray for me. I need lots of it. :-)